Bad person?
Posted by Gypsy on Apr 24, 2006
Jeremy and I got into a fight the other night after I finally told him something I’d been keeping from him for a long time. Even now, to think about it, it still makes me feel ill. He said some pretty awful things to me, though I deserved them. I may have ruined any chances of keeping him in my life as a friend, which devastates me almost as much as losing him as my husband.
He says I need to be more honest with people and told me I am a truly horrible person who doesn’t deserve the friends I have since I probably lie to all of them like I have lied to him in the past. He said a lot more than this, but I don’t feel it necessary to say everything he said to me on here. I don’t know if everything he said is true or not, but it’s really made me think over the last three days.
Regardless if what he said is true or not, or if other people feel the same way about me, that’s the perception he has of me and it’s my fault. I’ve made bad decisions and done things that I regret. I’ve made the one person I care about more than anyone in the world tell me flat out that he hates me and that it kills him to be nice to me. Yes, he said that in the heat of anger, but even after calming down he has still said he hates me sometimes.
It hurts me so much, so intensly, so deeply, when I think about how things were three years ago when we first met and first started dating and look at what we’ve become now. I realize that most of it is my fault, but that only makes the hurt worse. I’d do anything to show him that I’m not as awful as he thinks I am, but the reality is that will take time and he doesn’t seem willing to give me that time. Again, it’s my own fault, and something I have to learn to live with.
I don’t know where I was actually going with this post, this was just some stuff I needed to get off my chest. I am sorry to anyone else who thinks I’ve lied to them in the past. I really don’t think I’m as awful as he said I am, but I really don’t know anymore. Maybe I am. Maybe I don’t deserve the people in my life. Clearly I didn’t deserve him.
I’ve said time and again lately, if I could change the past there is a lot I would change. I can’t. I only ask for the chance to make it up in the future. For a second chance to show I can be better than I was. Becasue I know I can be. I just need to be given a chance.
You made up for a bit of it last night. I don’t feel it necessary to explain what went on, but a lot of respect was earned last night.
I told you the other night when we got into that fight that I know you can be better, and I really hope that you do eventually become the person you deserve to be.
It’s still not enough, though.
Regardless, at least you’re starting down the right path now.
I don’t know you personally, though I do believe in forgiveness. If you are sorry about the past, then there is no reason that you should remain there. After all that is said and done, we can all look forward to a new day, and changed perspective ourselves.
There is two sides to every story, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. We can imagine all the hurtful things we have said and done, though these actions are unlikely to have stemmed out of nowhere.
The worry I have when I try and give my thoughts and speak my mind, is that I may sound patronising, or preachy. I don’t mean to be any of these things, and I’m sorry if it comes across that way. I’m just reaching out, and lending you a helping hand.
Hope you are feeling better.
raymond x
I don’t think you sound like patronizing or preachy, Raymond. Thanks for the kind words. :)
When the past returns to repeat itself in the present, however, that is a different story.