Initial paperwork is in
Posted by Gypsy on Apr 26, 2006
I went to JAG today to see my lawyer and drop off the initial paperwork. It took everything I had not to cry as I was going through it with him to make sure it was right. By late next week, the Marriage Settlement Agreement will be ready for us to sign. The signed MSA will be used to draw up the actual divorce papers. Even writing this my chest is getting tight and my stomach is starting to hurt. Time and again I’ve said this isn’t what I want and how hard it is for me. Nothing has changed.
The fact that I’m taking care of the paperwork smacks of irony, but I don’t want it to drag out forever. If I had some sliver of hope that he would change his mind, then I would. Actually, I take that back because somewhere deep down I still have an every so tiny bit of hope that something will happen and he’ll want me again. He’s done nothing to give me that hope and maybe it isn’t hope but instead denial, but it’s there and it’s the only thing that keeps me from just crawling into bed with some Jack Daniels and not leaving.
Moving on Saturday
Posted by Gypsy on Apr 25, 2006
I got a personal loan so that I didn’t have to borrow money from Jeremy. I move into my new place on Saturday. Unfortunately, I won’t have Internet access until the following Friday, so I will be absent from the Internet in the evenings next week.
On the plus side, my loan was enough that I can afford to buy my plane tickets to New Jersey for Vulgarthon and still have enough to buy a couple things for the apartment. Mainly I need things like a shower curtain, trash can, lamps; the little things that many people don’t think of. But at least I have the chance to do some decorating. Bed, Bath and Beyond here I come.
As I’ve said before, I’m not excited about the move. Jeremy said on his blog that we are having mixed feelings about the move, but I know my feelings on it. It’s not what I want and I’m not looking forward to it. But it’s something I have to do, so I’m learning to accept it. It seems like I’m learning to accept a lot of things lately.
Bad person?
Posted by Gypsy on Apr 24, 2006
Jeremy and I got into a fight the other night after I finally told him something I’d been keeping from him for a long time. Even now, to think about it, it still makes me feel ill. He said some pretty awful things to me, though I deserved them. I may have ruined any chances of keeping him in my life as a friend, which devastates me almost as much as losing him as my husband.
He says I need to be more honest with people and told me I am a truly horrible person who doesn’t deserve the friends I have since I probably lie to all of them like I have lied to him in the past. He said a lot more than this, but I don’t feel it necessary to say everything he said to me on here. I don’t know if everything he said is true or not, but it’s really made me think over the last three days.
Regardless if what he said is true or not, or if other people feel the same way about me, that’s the perception he has of me and it’s my fault. I’ve made bad decisions and done things that I regret. I’ve made the one person I care about more than anyone in the world tell me flat out that he hates me and that it kills him to be nice to me. Yes, he said that in the heat of anger, but even after calming down he has still said he hates me sometimes.
It hurts me so much, so intensly, so deeply, when I think about how things were three years ago when we first met and first started dating and look at what we’ve become now. I realize that most of it is my fault, but that only makes the hurt worse. I’d do anything to show him that I’m not as awful as he thinks I am, but the reality is that will take time and he doesn’t seem willing to give me that time. Again, it’s my own fault, and something I have to learn to live with.
I don’t know where I was actually going with this post, this was just some stuff I needed to get off my chest. I am sorry to anyone else who thinks I’ve lied to them in the past. I really don’t think I’m as awful as he said I am, but I really don’t know anymore. Maybe I am. Maybe I don’t deserve the people in my life. Clearly I didn’t deserve him.
I’ve said time and again lately, if I could change the past there is a lot I would change. I can’t. I only ask for the chance to make it up in the future. For a second chance to show I can be better than I was. Becasue I know I can be. I just need to be given a chance.
R.I.P. Tango
Posted by Gypsy on Apr 22, 2006
As many of you may know, I post on the View Askew Message Board. This board is an amazing community of people. But it goes beyond just the Internet. We are a family. We know each other outside the Internet, in real life. We pick each other up when we are feeling down and we celebrate happiness together.
Well, today, we lost a member of our community. Our family. Shaun Welch, also known as Tango, was found this morning, dead of an accidental overdose.
Shaun may have been known as the “Purveyor of Controversy,” but he was a man who always stuck to his guns and would’ve done anything for anyone of us. No questions asked. I only met Shaun once, on my last trip to New York City, but I’m glad I got to know him. Vulgarthon will not be the same without him. He was one of Kevin Smith’s biggest fans, even creating the Pixel Pound for us board members to post pictures from meet-ups and events. At 26, he went well before his time. There’s so much of life that he will now miss out on. I only hope wherever he is now, he is at peace.
Shaun, you will be missed by many. You were a wonderful person and a great friend. May you rest in peace.
