Prozac, day 2
Posted by Gypsy on Jun 23, 2006
Before I start this post, I just want to say thank you to those of you who were so supportive in the comments of my previous post. It’s been a rough few months but I’m finally getting close to that light at the end of the tunnel. It’s nice to know there are people out there who are looking out for me and care about how I’m doing. I wish everyone could be so wonderful, but life doesn’t always work out that way.
Today is my second day on the Prozac and while I know it hasn’t started to kick in yet (it takes a week to three weeks to build up in your system), I’m already started to feel better because I’m taking the steps necessary to pull me out of my funk. Unfortunately, there are some side effects to the medications I’m on that are leaving me physically feeling a bit shitty.
Basically, I’m exhausted. I overslept by about 3 hours this morning just because I couldn’t find the energy to pull myself out of bed (and I didn’t even take the sleeping pill last night). I also spent most of the morning feeling like I was going to pass out and had a big problem waking up. Thanks to caffeine, I’m finally getting coherant, but it was touch and go for a bit there. I can only hope these side effects are temporary and will go away as I get more adjusted to the medication.
I need help
Posted by Gypsy on Jun 21, 2006
Note: This post isn’t meant to be insulting or hurtful to anyone or make anyone come off in a bad light. I just know some people have been worried lately and I’d rather get it off my chest like this instead of talking about it to everyone individually.
I’ve decided to go on Prozac. Between the stress of the divorce, being so broke right now I can barely afford to eat, not getting any sleep and drastically losing weight, I’ve decided I need help. The fact is I’ve always been an anxious person who tends to worry and stress a lot. On top of that, both depression and addiction run in my family. I’ve been very careful about my alcohol intake over the last couple months, but I can’t help feeling sad sometimes or getting panic attacks like I have been lately. I’ve always been very stubborn and very proud. I’ve never been the type to ask for help and I never thought I would be the type to resort to medication to get through a tough time. But I haven’t been able to snap myself out of it, so I finally went to the doctor and am getting help through this tough time.
The thing is, through most of this whole ordeal, I’ve been leaning on the same person I’ve been leaning on for the last three years: Jeremy. Well, Jeremy is now dating someone new and has made it clear this is something I need to “get over,” that he doesn’t care about my feelings and he won’t be putting his life on hold for me. That’s fine. It’s completely his perogative if that’s how he wants to be. In fact, I’m more than fine with it as over the past couple months, moreso the last couple weeks, I’ve discovered he’s not the man I thought he was.
At this point I need to start taking care of myself. In the last two months, I’ve lost more than 20 pounds because of the stress. I hardly ever sleep because I’m constantly worried or upset about things. Just like being in a bad marriage is not a way to live life, neither is the way I’ve been living it since becoming single. I’ve been so busy worrying about money, dealing with my loneliness and feeling rejected that I’ve forgotten why we are getting divorced in the first place (the primary one being neither of us trusts the other). I keep mistaking my fear of being alone, my fear of the unknown, with desire to have him back. I don’t know when I became so scared and dependent, but that’s not me and I’m done being that person.
So, I went to the doctor today and she put me on Prozac. She’s also made me realize that needed help is nothing to be ashamed off. Sometimes people need a little help to get through tough times. And though she said it would take about a week for it to start really being effective and I haven’t even taken one yet, I already feel a lot better because I’m doing something solely for myself for once. I’m done being worried about what other people are doing or what they think and I’m just going to focus on myself for the moment and what makes me happy.
Oh, and the first thing I’m going to focus on that makes me happy: A friend of mine that I met back in May is coming to town in a couple weeks. I’ve been looking forward to seeing him again since I met him while he was in L.A. on business. This time I don’t think he’ll be as busy with work, which means I’ll get to spend more time with him. Beyond that, a bunch of friends will be in town next month for the Comicon, Cori will be in town in August and in September I’m heading home to see the family and tossing in a girl’s trip to Toronto with Cori and Mandy while I’m over there. Life is definitely looking up for me.
Forgiveness and moving on
Posted by Gypsy on Jun 15, 2006
Towards the end of my workday, something happened that really upset me. I don’t really want to talk about most of it, because I’m over it, but one part kinda still bugs me. Jeremy told me today he will never fully forgive me for certain things and that because of that there is no way we will ever get back together again.
I’ve really been thinking about the concept of forgiveness lately due to a thread on a message board I post on. I’m a very forgiving person. I just don’t have it in me to hold a grudge. Even the people who have betrayed me to a point where I won’t speak to them again are still forgiven. Or maybe not consciously forgiven, but I just kinda forget about them. I don’t like to waste my time with people who are only out to hurt me. Jeremy not forgiving me bothered me for a little while today. But I do understand his feelings. And I’ve decided to just let it go. I’ve done everything I can to show I’m sorry, I can’t force him to forgive me. I’ve come to be ok with that and I’ll tell you why in a minute.
As for him telling me that we’ll never be together again, at first it bothered me as well. Even though I’ve known for awhile that it’s over and am fine with that, it just seemed to final. But then I got to thinking about it and I realized I don’t love him like that anymore and we are just awful together. We bring out the absolute worst in each other. And the thing is, I’ve made a lot of changes in the last few months to show him I can be a better person. If he can’t see that and trust that it can continue, it’s his loss. At this point it isn’t even about him anymore. I’m happy with most of the changes I’ve made and that’s why I’ll continue to be the new and improved me. Not for anyone else.
The reality is I’m a better person now. Somewhere down the road, some guy is going to end up a very lucky man because of that. Jeremy may not be able to forgive me and may not want to be with me anymore, but I’m ok with that. I’m more than ok with that. Because I love who I am now and someone else will love who I am, too. Of course, I’m not ready to be in love again, but a date would be nice. (And as a side note, I DO NOT need to be hooked up with your friend, brother, father, uncle, etc. I am capable of finding my own dates).
Almost done
Posted by Gypsy on Jun 13, 2006
Well, I went to see my lawyer today and start finalizing the divorce paperwork. With the exception of a packet I have to full out for my lawyer to keep on file, my job is done. Jeremy should be getting served his copy of the divorce papers within the next 2-3 weeks. From the date he is served, it will be six months and one day until the divorce is final. All he has to do is sign the papers and place them in the included envelope and it’ll be over. Well, except for the waiting peroid.
I’m still not always completely sure how I feel about this. Some days, I’m glad to be single again. To be able to take trips and go out without wondering if there’s going to be a fight over how much I drank that night or how late I was out. Other times I just feel lonely. I miss having someone to cuddle up to at night, I miss having someone there to talk to when I get home from work. I even miss the little shit like going grocery shopping together. I miss almost everything that comes with being in a relationship.
That’s not to say that I want Jeremy back or I’m going to hop into another relationship right away. Jeremy’s made it clear on his site how happy he is to be free of me and I just want to take some time to take care of me. I just miss having someone else to take care of, too, sometimes.
