Anniversary
Posted by Gypsy on Sep 24, 2006
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the last three years of my life and how things have changed for me. Had Jeremy and I stayed together, today we would be celebrating our third anniversary. Even more importantly, it would’ve been the first one we were actually together for, since for our first one we were living in different areas of the country and for the second we weren’t even on the same continent. Instead, it is spent with us on opposite ends of the same town, me spending the day with my boyfriend and Jeremy doing whatever.
Someone once said to me that I probably couldn’t wait until my divorce was final because I could just forget the last four years and what she called the biggest mistake of my life. But I don’t think I made a mistake. A bad decision, maybe. A mistake, definitely not.
I’ve always made it a point to live life without regrets and in nearly 25 years I’ve never done something I’ve truly regretted. I’ve done things that may not have been nice, I’ve done things that I probably shouldn’t have, but I’ve never done something I regret. I’ve always believed that as long as you learn something from everything you do, there is no reason to regret it. It’s only when you don’t learn something, even the tiniest thing, that you should have regrets.
The reality is life is but a series of events. It’s what we take away from each event that makes us who we are. If even one event from my life hadn’t happened or had turned out differently, I’d be different. And I’m happy with who I am. I’m not perfect, I’ve messed up, I’ve done things that have hurt people I care about, I’ve done things that hurt people who didn’t deserve it. But I’ve learned from those things. I’ve changed because of them. And while I might not be able to fix the bad things I’ve done in the past, I can make sure I don’t do them in the future.
So do I regret my marriage or think it was a mistake? Nope. Do I regret the bad things I’ve done? No. Do I wish I could’ve been a better person, a better wife? Sure do. There have been times when I haven’t liked who I am, but I’ve learned from the things I did to make myself feel that way. I’m a better person for it. And I love who I am now because of it. Sure, this sounds selfish and like I don’t care about the people I’ve hurt in the past. That’s not true. I do care. But I can’t change the past and I know enough to accept that, to not waste time worrying about it and to even embrace it. Because if you can’t accept and admit your past, you’ll never have a better future. And I plan to have a better future.
Well rested
Posted by Gypsy on Sep 23, 2006
I finally got some good sleep last night. A good 10 hours worth that has left me extremely well rested and a lot less stressed. Of course, now I have hours and hours worth of homework to do since I didn’t have much time for it all week, but I’m going to get cracking on that now. Expect a real blog post tomorrow. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a couple weeks now and it’s time to get it written.
<3
Note to self…
Posted by Gypsy on Sep 22, 2006
No more posting while tired, stressed and on Vicodan.
Pavlov’s dog
Posted by Gypsy on Sep 21, 2006
When two events, related or not, always happen together, the mind begins to associate one with the other and have the same response even when only one of those events occurs. This is essentially what Pavlov learned during his experiments with his dog, food and a bell. Eventually the dog’s subconscious began to associate the bell with food coming and even when food wasn’t present, he would salivate at the sound of the bell.
This is a basic version of what I’m feeling right now, though there is no dog, no food, no bell. In my case, there is a man, a lie and me.
What I mean is, I can see an area in my life where I have a Pavlovian response even though I don’t want it and even know that this could be the time when there is no food.
Specifically, I’ve gotten into a routine. I won’t call it a rut, because I’ve very happy with it, but all day today I’ve had a nagging feeling that something bad is going to happen. I mean, with this situation, I know something bad is going to happen, but it’s something I’ve been able to prepare for. But I have the feeling something I can’t prepare for is going to happen. Because I have mild anxiety problems, paired with this feeling, I’ve spent all day with this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even worse, the one thing I’ve been looking forward to and would’ve eased my fears tonight isn’t going to happen. So now I have this awful feeling and it’s worse because instead of my fears being laid to rest, they have been magnified.
I just have the nagging feeling I’m being lied to. I really have nothing to support these feelings except my Pavlovian response to the situation. I keep trying to get my brain to tell my emotions to settle down, but it’s just not working. I’m 99 percent sure I’m just being ridiculous, but I can’t get rid of that tiny feeling that I could be wrong. I’ve been so wrong so many times before in this situation that I just can’t trust myself anymore.
Or maybe the stress and exhaustion from the last couple weeks is finally catching up to me and I should just take a sleeping pill and go to bed.
